The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
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Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
how much for the angry fruit?
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.