The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
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Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.