The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
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Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Thinking about Jeff
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”