the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
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‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
This is a sub tweet
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Sharon I have some bad news
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.