the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
You Might Also Like
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
😬
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
CUTE CAT‼︎
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk