The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
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Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.