@jctwritesstuff: The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor's eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
@iscoff: "Did you hire a wedding photographer?" Sure did! *a dog with a gopro strapped to its head runs by*
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler. Me: ...I thought her arm was on fire. Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
@daemonic3: [having heart attack] HELP...CAN'T...MOVE ME: Dude, are you ok?! [faintly] CALL...ME...A...DOCTOR ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!