Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
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DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Kids: Stay in school.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
[montage of me giving-up]
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.