Wait a minute
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Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.