my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
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A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”