The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
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No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics