@mortimermaiden: The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
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@CruisinSoozan: I don't want to alarm anyone but I've purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there'll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11. NO WEIRDOS
@DaddyJew: Mechanic: what seems to be the problem? Me: nice try buddy, that's what I'm paying you for
@EndhooS: [1st day as a paramedic] me: can you point to where it hurts cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
@KevinFarzad: If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that's gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.