@mortimermaiden: The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: You only half-listen to me. You're in a boatload of trouble. Me: Yes, let's buy a boat.
@lyric_intent: The most awkward part of being the first person to write something down, was then explaining to everyone that they were now illiterate
@Jennabear32819: A cop pulled me over and said ''Papers...'' So I said, ''Scissors, I win!'' and drove off like a boss!