@mortimermaiden: The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
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@Rschooley: How dare Beyonce bring symbols of past racial strife into popular music performance!!
@daemonic3: WIFE: OMG how did grandma's ashes get knocked off the mantel? ME: Actually I think it was- *cat makes throat slice gesture* -the wind
@KalvinMacleod: BOSS: you're fired ME: is it because I won't take no for an answer? BOSS: no ME: is it because I won't take no for an answer?
@daemonic3: WAITER: Ready to order? ME: First, I'd like to hear the chef's special WAITER: Oh yes he's very special [chef in background sheds a tear]