It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
You Might Also Like
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.