POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
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John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s