i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
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Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!