The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
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This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing