The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
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Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Big Sex has us all fooled
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
plant them where lol