Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
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I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
who wants to go expliring
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”