@cheeky__gal: The spider I just killed with a napkin isn't in the napkin, and now I'm in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
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@sarcasticmommy4: My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: "Uh, go buy new clothes?" Have kids. It's fun.
@weinerdog4life: If you see a cat with a dart in it, that's my cat and I need him back, we aren't done yet.
@NicestHippo: "You're sure you understand stock trading?" ME: Yep "Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?"
@McMcmadmac: My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!