The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
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[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Made something I’m not proud of
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.