The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
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me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.