[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
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I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos