Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
You Might Also Like
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.