The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
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Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”