The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
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*launders Kohls cash*
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here