The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?