the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
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[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no