I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
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A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
*puts cutlery down*
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.