luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
#parenting
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die