I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
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For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish