I drew y’all a little something.
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Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again