You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
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probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.