The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
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Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato