The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
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[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Mornin
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”