Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
You Might Also Like
HR said no more nunchucks.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process