The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
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I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box