The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
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I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.