The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
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I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
The Punning Dead.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so