The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
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i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector