Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
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I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
*has no idea what a book even is*
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.