Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
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My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three