Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
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Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Breaking news:
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then