@Ketamine_Stalin: THE SUN HASN'T RISEN IN SIX WEEKS AND THE ANIMALS ARE AGITATED. THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM JUST SAYS "THAT'S ALL FOLKS"
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@upsidedowntrash: [1st Row at Beyoncé Concert] Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me* ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
@lildandeli0n: [Gets Twitter error: "Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong"] I know Twitter, I know. That's why I'm here.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: The kids opened the "private" drawer in my nightstand. Me: THE drawer? Wife: Yeah. Great. There go our Oreos.