Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
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Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT