me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
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*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.