I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
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[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
happy friday