The Sun’s probably Asian.
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men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
also my go-to takeaway order