The Sun’s probably Asian.
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Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.