The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
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That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*