@Schindizzle: The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
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@TheGoodGodAbove: Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar. You can stop sacrificing goats now.
@tastefactory: COP: We have reports of u blasting music. ME: Sorry I'll keep the Metallica down COP: We were told it was Britney Spears "Lucky." On repeat.
@Daniel_Sloss: Airport receptionist: anything to declare? Me: how bout these guns? *flexes* Her: OH GOD HE'S GOT GUNS! Me: wait.. I was.. Her: HELP!! AGH!
@flashember: [Zoo, bird show] "Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods." *bird headbutts window 50 times*