The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
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I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Y’all know who you are.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.