me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
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If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.