The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
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Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
ACED my prostate exam!
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I cannot call her anything else now
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.