@AdriannaLaCervx: The swimsuit portion of the presidential election is going to suck.
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@iwearaonesie: [texting] me: I just left and I already miss you wife *typing response* me: (can you read that to the dog for me)
@TheBeerGuy73: My ex texted "You've got a friend in me. XoXo". I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
@dancefeverbarbi: I am so lazy that when I dropped the soap in the shower, I just sat down & took a bath. That was 2 hours ago. I'm still here.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I know you're not supposed to question doctors, but it's weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.