not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
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them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
sliding into dms like
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]