@dumbbeezie: I hate it when you have french fries and all of the sudden people are acting like they like you

@blade_funner: Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don't need this shit.

@QwertyJones3: [Me as an Italian language translator] Police: Ask him where the money is hidden. Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

@Harbinger_one: Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

@HenpeckedHal: I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She's proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I'd imagined.