I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
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it’s a van. how do they not know this
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
me and who
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”